The 20th episode (and SEASON ONE FINALE!!!) wherein the ASCRIBEPodcast revisits a beloved character to answer the question everyone’s been asking: What happens after breakfast?
Inspired by this image:
STORY: Philomena Tuttle Rides Again (Or, what happens after breakfast).
The world was beginning to remember Philomena Tuttle.
In her heyday, the soft spoken, mild mannered woman who topped out at a brisk one and a half miles per hour, had been one of the planets most recognizable public servants. Looking at her now, you wouldn’t have been able to tell. She had retired, leaving the spotlight behind, and for years had been living peacefully at Shady Rest Retirement Home with many of her former colleagues. That old life was behind her, and almost all of the incredible things she had done had been forgotten. Until now.
Philomena had once again come into the public eye only this morning for a series of thrilling adventures where she had proved rather adept at summoning seemingly impossible things into the lobby of the retirement home. An ill-advised hostage taking attempt had turned into a fantastical tableau (and front page headlines for the 6 or 7 people who still read a paper) after a large, rainbow colored dragon appeared and began knocking mercenaries into a chasm in the common room floor. Witnesses swore, that no, that chasm hadn’t always been there, and the missing wall where the dragons head had found its way in made for some great photo opportunities. Reporters had come from far and wide to get an interview with the unlikely hero, and all afternoon Philomena had been fielding questions about what had happened.
“Oh, nothing that strange. It’s all about sticking to a schedule,” Philomena would answer humbly. “Things have to be put in their proper place, otherwise they get out of hand. There’s nothing like a good routine to keep everything in check. Th at’s my only secret: it’s not that difficult.”
It was now mid-afternoon, and things were mostly back to normal. The daily bingo game was going on, but Philomena preferred working on a jigsaw puzzle that had been giving her some trouble the past few days. None of the pieces seemed to fit, and so she had decided that tomorrow, before breakfast, she would have to admit that yes, they were 7 dimensional and the edge of the puzzle was smaller than its inside. She thought that would do the trick, although it wouldn’t solve the problem of the large blue sky section that she still had trouble seeing.
“Oh where is Clarence? I need to start getting ready. I should check my list again, or I might miss something.” Philomena was talking to herself, whether because of her age, or to cope with the stress of the morning.
She picked up her purse and found her list where she always left it, stuck to the fridge just above her grandchildren’s latest picture. She glanced at the calendar that hung on the wall too, just to prove to herself that she hadn’t confused her dates and that it was today that Clarence had wanted to stop in. “I know he called two weeks ago, but if he comes now, I’ll be late for my errands. Maybe he forgot. Or I might have written down the wrong day.” Philomena kept wondering, even as she pushed her walker to the lobby to meet her ride.
The hallway (which had been unaffected by the attack) was freshly painted with fantastic and beautiful murals of some truly impossible things. Across from Philomena’s room the artwork showed a fish swimming in an upside down lake, and it was so realistically rendered you might have thought it could come pouring off the wall (as indeed it had only a week or so before, as Philomena recalled).
“Where do you think you’re going, Ms. Tuttle? Surely you haven’t forgotten our appointment? Don’t tell me all of this attention is going to your head?” Out in the hallway, a voice, like a man’s but muffled, sounded behind Philomena.
“What’s the matter Philomena? You aren’t surprised, are you? No, I know you’re not. That’s why I called. Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten old Clarence the Terror? Because I haven’t forgotten you! We’ve fought too many times for that! I remember everything.” Philomena turned to see a sight that would have been astounding to anyone else but her. A 10 foot tall bi-pedal robot was filling the hall, arms (and accompanying claws) menacingly spread to the side. On the top, where a head should have been, there was a large glass dome, and from inside Philomena could just make out the shape of a man’s face, lit from behind by a pale blue mechanical glow.
The large claws reached forward. One pulled Philomena’s walker away, while the other pinched tightly around her waist. “No, you were expecting me, weren’t you? Ha! It’s still the same boring routine, isn’t it, Philomena? You still do everything so predictably, it’s a wonder no one’s caught on. But I know your tricks! I know the secret. It’s after breakfast Philomena. What could you possibly throw at me now: you’ve wished all of your freakish sidekicks away for the day. I’ve spent years figuring it out, and this is my moment to finally triumph! My chance for revenge! But you knew that already. In fact, I bet you were expecting it! You probably put me on the calendar when I called! That’s the best part: I’m going to defeat you, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Why? Because it’s all part of the routine!”
Philomena was held, completely immobilized by the giant arm. She looked around, almost nervously, as if she had expected something to happen. “What’s the matter? You’re not waiting for someone to save you, are you? I told you: they’re not coming today. Is your partner still around? You could try yelling for him, but we both know he won’t hear a word you say. Face it Philomena: you’re trapped.”
Philomena had stopped scanning the hall. At last, she resolutely stared at the shadow inside the glowing sphere, accepting her fate. “Clarence Plunkmann, you’ve always talked too much. And now I’m officially late. So if you’d please excuse me, I must be going now.”
As she said these words, Clarence laughed and lifted Philomena off her feet into the air. But Philomena showed no signs of being intimidated, and in a matter of moments, it became clear why. Without so much as a sound, a large grey creature had appeared behind Clarence, barely contained within the double-wide hallway of Shady Rest Retirement Home’s east wing. Just as the claw began squeezing Philomena, the beast, which looked like the unlikely combination of hippopotamus and fierce bird, opened its mouth and bit the suit housing Clarence Plunkmann. Now left with only one leg, the suit lost its balance and tumbled face first into the carpet, knocking Philomena loose in the process. She landed in front of a door which opened as Philomena’s neighbor Bill peeked out.
“AFTERNOON PHIL! LOVELY WEATHER WE’RE HAVING, ISN’T IT? WHO’S YOUR GUEST?” As Bill spoke, the deafening roar of a television set could be heard coming from his apartment.
“Oh, hello Bill. You remember Clarence. He dropped by to say hello.” As she said this, the robot was trying to push itself upright again, but was having some difficulty due to the weight of the large hippo-bird now sitting contentedly on its back.
“OH HI CLARENCE. IS THAT YOU? FUNNY SEEING YOU AROUND HERE. NICE SUIT! JUST LIKE THE GOOD OLD DAYS!”
“Yes, well, he was just leaving. Weren’t you, Clarence? Anyway, I can’t stay. My ride’s here, and I have several errands to run.” At these words, the hippopotamus dismounted itself from the now rather dented robots back, eliciting a faint groan from inside. It’s before-unseen prehensile tail wrapped around to help Philomena back to her feet, and then lifted her so that she was seated just behind the hippo’s head.
“Bill, would see Clarence out. He might have some trouble finding the way.” Bill nodded understandingly and went to knock on the now cracked glass where smoke was beginning to gather. “YOU OKAY CLARENCE? SHOULD I CALL THE NURSE? SORRY, WHAT WAS THAT? I THINK MY HEARING AID IS DEAD.”
Meanwhile, the hippogriff stretched its wings, which should have, by all measurements not been possible given the dimensions of the hallway. Then, gathering her walker in its tail, it carried Philomena to the entrance of Shady Rest, and lept into the air. And Philomena Tuttle rode into the sunset once again.
ASCRIBE Podcast 